September 21, 2010
Dayton, OR
Circling turkey vultures today led a county search and rescue team to the body of a middle-aged white male sea kayaker on the usually bucolic and scenic Yamhill River. Located in the northern Willamette Valley southwest of Portland, Oregon, the Yamhill is a lazy mid-sized river that flows from the Coast Range to the Willamette River near Newberg.
Initially authorities refused to speculate about a possible assailant or the actual event but did indicate there are hostile Great Blue Herons in the Yamhill Falls area in early Fall. When pressed for the cause of death, an unnamed rescuer indicated the body was filled with birdshot. Authorities noted the victim was using a black graphite paddle and speculate a heron could have mistaken it for a weapon.
The county medical examiner said the autopsy results would be released next week - asked if there was anything unusual about the body, the ME indicated the man had a boner at the time of death - he went on to say there's no scientific explanation for this phenonemon other than "perhaps the man loved Nature."
The deceased's black on black low mileage Range Rover with the vanity plate "Lake Ego" was located at a boat ramp just off River Rd. - a new iPad was found hidden behind the rear seat so a car thief couldn't spot it.
This reporter contacted the OOPS organization in Portland - known as the Oregon Ocean Pooping Society - as the victim had OOPS tattooed on his buttocks - for their analysis of the incident. Their spokesman was at a loss for words as this type of occurrence was unheard of in the club's fifty year history. He did speculate that the kayaker may have been practicing his eskimo rolls and perhaps the heron thought he was injured and would be easy prey.
When the victim's wife was contacted by authorities (she had left him a voicemail that morning asking if he'd finished the laundry and when dinner would be ready that evening) - her reaction was heartfelt: What the hell? Kayaking? That bastard told me he was going to the casino with his good-for-nothing friend, Dick. Serves the sonofabitch right - he hadn't worked for 5 years, his unemployment had run out and he lost all his 401K in the stock market - dumbass. I'm going for a younger man this time.
Services are being planned at a neighborhood country club and the relatives are pouring out of the woodwork hoping to cash in.
In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to your local Great Blue Heron Preservation Fund.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
An Obituary for my (imaginary) friend Malcolm Doober
Mrs Malcolm Doober (Hilda) asked me to speak to you today in honor of her diseased, I mean deceased husband - sadly no one else was available so this is it for Malcolm.
BTW, there's no photo of Malcolm because he looks surprisingly like one of the check-out guys at Whole Foods and we didn't want any confusion about who was dead and who isn't.
Malcolm died last Sunday along with his name - he was a Lennon/McCartney fan so he'd appreciate the reference to Eleanor Rigby and all you lonely people. Well, you did better than Eleanor - somebody did come today - your yesterdays will be remembered - there are no tomorrows for you but do you care?
Malcolm died of stinkeye or pinkeye or pie-eyed - I don't know which - not a dry eye today old friend.
Malcolm was a man of strong beliefs - he thought we were friends. Malcolm was wrong about a lot of things.
I was thinking about you today buddy as I was kayaking the wild and wooley Willamette river - the ever-treacherous, death-defying, narrows near Waverley Country Club - you said you were a member but never invited me? Maybe you were just a tennis member - doubles with Buffy @ Bushwood - or maybe Lacy Underall if Chevy Chase was done with her?
You wasted a lot of time my man - sitting at Starbucks, listening to Simply Red's haunting Holding Back the Years..hoping someone would notice you - and care.
You could have been a mentor to some needy lad or lass - you had a profoundly limited sense of world politics but that didn't inhibit you - think Rave On John Donne by Van Morrison - and oh yes, the German people were misled.
You didn't like animals so you had no pets - you didn't want to clean up after them - now you're dog food.
Beware of guys wearing short shorts and walking small dogs...
Malcolm loved his wife as only Malcolm could (altho we can't say the same for Hilda...) - they had no children as Hilda said I'm no breeder - I'm told Hilda liked sex just fine - just not with our boy Malcolm. He never cheated on her as far as I knew - except for the Irish bellboy at the Savoy in London - that guy was cute.
We worked together for lo those many years - not for each other - but neither against each other - we high-fived on occasion but hugs weren't for us - Robert Bly be damned.
What will we do without you Malcolm? Probably about the same things we did with you - but will we notice you're not there? There will never be another like you Malcolm - it's God's plan - limited editions.
We're getting to the close Malcolm - remember how you loved Natalie Portman in The Closer? We'll now play The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice and wish you peace.
Your friend,
The Blogger
BTW, there's no photo of Malcolm because he looks surprisingly like one of the check-out guys at Whole Foods and we didn't want any confusion about who was dead and who isn't.
Malcolm died last Sunday along with his name - he was a Lennon/McCartney fan so he'd appreciate the reference to Eleanor Rigby and all you lonely people. Well, you did better than Eleanor - somebody did come today - your yesterdays will be remembered - there are no tomorrows for you but do you care?
Malcolm died of stinkeye or pinkeye or pie-eyed - I don't know which - not a dry eye today old friend.
Malcolm was a man of strong beliefs - he thought we were friends. Malcolm was wrong about a lot of things.
I was thinking about you today buddy as I was kayaking the wild and wooley Willamette river - the ever-treacherous, death-defying, narrows near Waverley Country Club - you said you were a member but never invited me? Maybe you were just a tennis member - doubles with Buffy @ Bushwood - or maybe Lacy Underall if Chevy Chase was done with her?
You wasted a lot of time my man - sitting at Starbucks, listening to Simply Red's haunting Holding Back the Years..hoping someone would notice you - and care.
You could have been a mentor to some needy lad or lass - you had a profoundly limited sense of world politics but that didn't inhibit you - think Rave On John Donne by Van Morrison - and oh yes, the German people were misled.
You didn't like animals so you had no pets - you didn't want to clean up after them - now you're dog food.
Beware of guys wearing short shorts and walking small dogs...
Malcolm loved his wife as only Malcolm could (altho we can't say the same for Hilda...) - they had no children as Hilda said I'm no breeder - I'm told Hilda liked sex just fine - just not with our boy Malcolm. He never cheated on her as far as I knew - except for the Irish bellboy at the Savoy in London - that guy was cute.
We worked together for lo those many years - not for each other - but neither against each other - we high-fived on occasion but hugs weren't for us - Robert Bly be damned.
What will we do without you Malcolm? Probably about the same things we did with you - but will we notice you're not there? There will never be another like you Malcolm - it's God's plan - limited editions.
We're getting to the close Malcolm - remember how you loved Natalie Portman in The Closer? We'll now play The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice and wish you peace.
Your friend,
The Blogger
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