Unknown Assailant Shoots, Kills Lone River Kayaker

September 21, 2010

Dayton, OR

Circling turkey vultures today led a county search and rescue team to the body of a middle-aged white male sea kayaker on the usually bucolic and scenic Yamhill River.  Located in the northern Willamette Valley southwest of Portland, Oregon, the Yamhill is a lazy mid-sized river that flows from the Coast Range to the Willamette River near Newberg. 

Initially authorities refused to speculate about a possible assailant or the actual event but did indicate there are hostile Great Blue Herons in the Yamhill Falls area in early Fall.  When pressed for the cause of death, an unnamed rescuer indicated the body was filled with birdshot.  Authorities noted the victim was using a black graphite paddle and speculate a heron could have mistaken it for a weapon.

The county medical examiner said the autopsy results would be released next week - asked if there was anything unusual about the body, the ME indicated the man had a boner at the time of death - he went on to say there's no scientific explanation for this phenonemon other than "perhaps the man loved Nature."

The deceased's black on black low mileage Range Rover with the vanity plate "Lake Ego" was located at a boat ramp just off River Rd. - a new iPad was found hidden behind the rear seat so a car thief couldn't spot it.

This reporter contacted the OOPS organization in Portland - known as the Oregon Ocean Pooping Society - as the victim had OOPS tattooed on his buttocks - for their analysis of the incident.  Their spokesman was at a loss for words as this type of occurrence was unheard of in the club's fifty year history.  He did speculate that the kayaker may have been practicing his eskimo rolls and perhaps the heron thought he was injured and would be easy prey.

When the victim's wife was contacted by authorities (she had left him a voicemail that morning asking if he'd finished the laundry and when dinner would be ready that evening) - her reaction was heartfelt: What the hell?  Kayaking?  That bastard told me he was going to the casino with his good-for-nothing friend, Dick.  Serves the sonofabitch right - he hadn't worked for 5 years, his unemployment had run out and he lost all his 401K in the stock market - dumbass.  I'm going for a younger man this time.

Services are being planned at a neighborhood country club and the relatives are pouring out of the woodwork hoping to cash in.

In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to your local Great Blue Heron Preservation Fund.

An Obituary for my (imaginary) friend Malcolm Doober

Mrs Malcolm Doober (Hilda) asked me to speak to you today in honor of her diseased, I mean deceased husband - sadly no one else was available so this is it for Malcolm.

BTW, there's no photo of Malcolm because he looks surprisingly like one of the check-out guys at Whole Foods and we didn't want any confusion about who was dead and who isn't.

Malcolm died last Sunday along with his name - he was a Lennon/McCartney fan so he'd appreciate the reference to Eleanor Rigby and all you lonely people.  Well, you did better than Eleanor - somebody did come today - your yesterdays will be remembered - there are no tomorrows for you but do you care? 

Malcolm died of stinkeye or pinkeye or pie-eyed - I don't know which - not a dry eye today old friend.

Malcolm was a man of strong beliefs - he thought we were friends.  Malcolm was wrong about a lot of things.

I was thinking about you today buddy as I was kayaking the wild and wooley Willamette river - the ever-treacherous, death-defying, narrows near Waverley Country Club - you said you were a member but never invited me?  Maybe you were just a tennis member - doubles with Buffy @ Bushwood - or maybe Lacy Underall if Chevy Chase was done with her?

You wasted a lot of time my man - sitting at Starbucks, listening to Simply Red's haunting Holding Back the Years..hoping someone would notice you - and care.
You could have been a mentor to some needy lad or lass - you had a profoundly limited sense of world politics but that didn't inhibit you - think Rave On John Donne by Van Morrison - and oh yes, the German people were misled.

You didn't like animals so you had no pets - you didn't want to clean up after them - now you're dog food.
 Beware of guys wearing short shorts and walking small dogs...

Malcolm loved his wife as only Malcolm could (altho we can't say the same for Hilda...) - they had no children as Hilda said I'm no breeder - I'm told Hilda liked sex just fine - just not with our boy Malcolm.  He never cheated on her as far as I knew - except for the Irish bellboy at the Savoy in London - that guy was cute.

We worked together for lo those many years - not for each other - but neither against each other - we high-fived on occasion but hugs weren't for us - Robert Bly be damned.

What will we do without you Malcolm?  Probably about the same things we did with you - but will we notice you're not there?  There will never be another like you Malcolm - it's God's plan - limited editions.

We're getting to the close Malcolm - remember how you loved Natalie Portman in The Closer?  We'll now play The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice and wish you peace.

Your friend,

The Blogger

Drew's first interview

Drew Douglas just celebrated his 4th month birthday and thought it was time to express his views on a few subjects that are near and dear to him - starting with his birth.

So Drew, just how was that shove out of the warm, slick birth canal?
To tell you the truth, I was ready - I'd been poking, elbowing and kicking Mom for months so I was looking forward to having room to move and breath but I didn't understand that I'd be squeezed into this narrow space that Dad visits from time to time and that I'd be pulled into a light, bright room with people touching me all over.

So what did you think when you first saw your Mom?
I was impressed - pretty girl - she had treated me well for many months - none of that acid reflux stuff and those boobs!

How'd you like your first surgery?
Man, that's unfair - out the shoot - buck naked on the table - whack your most sensitive part just to give it more air?  What a concept!

How's your Dad?
Dad's cool - he's got man-face like Brett Favre a lot these days as he's keeping it pretty trim up top - speaking of trim - he and my bud Charlie's dad are weight-watching and jogging so they can look good for their ladies.  Besides, Dad just got his third new car since I was born and I really like it!

And what's your dog's name?
Oh you mean Jack - what a neat dude that guy is - always licking my face and hovering around me - I can't wait to pull his tail and roll around with him - he's got a black bud named Rooney who's pretty special too - they're wild in the back yard!

So any plans for the near future?
Now that I've got the rollover down, I'll probably start crawling soon - there's some stuff I see that I want to put in my mouth and I'm tired of people handing me everything as I want to do it myself!  I am a Fankhauser you know.

Yeah, Meghan's been around alot - you like her?
Oh yeah, I can't wait to show her my kickball moves - or is it called soccer?  She says she has a few moves she can't wait to show me.  Dad and Mom say I'm going to be a footballin' Beaver!

You got grandparents?
Lots of them - Bob and Babs, Pat and my sidekick Brandon and the Stirlings - you know them don't you?  Susan likes to flap her lips on my tum and Doug just looks funny with those glasses.

Well Drew, nice to talk with you and we'll check back in a while.
Pls do and check out one of my poops now that I'm on formula - awesome!

Another Crown Vic bites the dust

The newspaper listed it as a highway fatality - one dead
Another roadkill to report to the Fed
The authorities said it was a single vehicle crash
There were no tire tracks - was the driver on hash?

It was dark when the old Ford left the road
Lots of leg room, trunk could take a full load
Those big Fords man - made for cops and old men's coffins
Smokers and drinkers - a generation of coughers.

His widow said he was a good driver in his day
But lately he was letting the big V-8 stray
Did any of his relatives care?
Only the heirs.

So Detroit helps with another assisted-suicide
Choose cyanide or take your last ride...
Make room for the hybrids and small cars
Don't even think of stopping at bars.

A loyal wife gone tired
The old boy never got fired
In his days on the road, he partied hearty
Lately it was all about fiber and being farty.

The investigators suspected a medical event
May have preceded the Ford's last dent
Off to the next destination old boy
Hope you find a new toy.

Ode to Rosemary

Our Rosemary is retiring after about a hundred years at Aon and several predecessor firms so we honor her with this post.

Ode to Rosemary

There once was an office manager named Rosemary
No matter the issues, she remained merry
Now it's time to leave
Hard for her to believe
A glass of wine, a cake with a cherry.

Nearly forty years and four or so names
Lots of account executives playing games
From the boorish Butler
To a client named Cutler
Rosemary was the toughest of the dames.

Greg Dean said she was the gutsiest ever
Anyone who asked, got an "I'll endeavor
To help - if you're not a dork"
Her best day ever at work
Was Halloween in her black leather.

She started at CCC as a clerk
Many a Catholic boy did lurk
Came to work in any weather
Old Maurie admired her sweater
Never called the old guys a jerk.

Phil finally got Rosemary's head to nod
Then along came Angie and Todd
Now she's Grandma to AJ
Always been friends with DJ
Gently guided all ladies to cover that bod.

She was a great partner for Jim Heider
Built a reputation as a fighter
Resisted dumb corporate stuff
Not afraid to speak off the cuff
Or when needed, pull an all-nighter.

So Rosemary, we think you're the best
You've been able to meet every test
May you enjoy this life
Without so much strife
And know this praise is not in jest!

Ode to Major Bill - A Space Oddity

With the usual apologies to David Bowie - the real space oddity, we honor Major Bill "da man" Goss.

Ground control to Major Goss
Bill, how can you be lost?
Thirty years in the Force
And third go-round of course

Bill now an Air Force shill
Finally, you know the drill
Move to Lake Tahoe
Find your own ho

Once his own brewmaster
Never a disaster
Of beer, he can't get his fill
Work though - is a thrill

A pilot of skill
Now ready to kill
This time you're armed
Third time's a charm

Bad guys storm the door
Bill shoots them to the floor
You've really made the grade
Medals - photos in the trade

A sailor with no boat
Got anything that'll float?
Cal is calling - teach here
Bill says, "More beer"

So Bill, take your protein pills
Headgear, countdown, lift-off, thrills
May God's love be with you
Mary will wait - may have a new do

Floating round in your tin can
Circuits are firing, in kicks fan
Can you hear me Major Bill?
Can you hear me Major Bill?

And lastly, a few quotes from Caddyshack
For those quiet nights alone on the base...

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and don't know it.
You're a lot of woman, you know that?  Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell them you're Jewish, okay?
Oh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far between are ya.  How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my...
You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.
Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?
I smell varmint poontang.  And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.

All the best Bill.

Drew's First Limerick

They say I'm beautiful but I'm boy
Not just eye candy or a live toy
I'm handsome in blue
Dashing as that Drew
Brees or Drew Bledsoe - not a bit coy.

So I thought: just what is in a number
It's confusing - looking at my thumbers
I've one penis
And two of these
Around the room he and big Jack lumber.

Yes, one head, two eyes, couple ears, no tail
Stuff's coming from my nose - snart like a snail
One mouth to feed
Is two boobs greed?
Dad got tattooed and is lookin' real pale.

Mom is the best breast-feeder I know
But when I ask for beer she says no
I should ask Aunt Megan
She's not draggin' babies
She's looking for one real man named Joe.

It's getting dark so off to bed I go
Dreaming of that deer Bambi and her doe
It is no fib
I hate my crib
And oh Dad, go to work and make more dough!

Love,
Drew