September 21, 2010
Dayton, OR
Circling turkey vultures today led a county search and rescue team to the body of a middle-aged white male sea kayaker on the usually bucolic and scenic Yamhill River. Located in the northern Willamette Valley southwest of Portland, Oregon, the Yamhill is a lazy mid-sized river that flows from the Coast Range to the Willamette River near Newberg.
Initially authorities refused to speculate about a possible assailant or the actual event but did indicate there are hostile Great Blue Herons in the Yamhill Falls area in early Fall. When pressed for the cause of death, an unnamed rescuer indicated the body was filled with birdshot. Authorities noted the victim was using a black graphite paddle and speculate a heron could have mistaken it for a weapon.
The county medical examiner said the autopsy results would be released next week - asked if there was anything unusual about the body, the ME indicated the man had a boner at the time of death - he went on to say there's no scientific explanation for this phenonemon other than "perhaps the man loved Nature."
The deceased's black on black low mileage Range Rover with the vanity plate "Lake Ego" was located at a boat ramp just off River Rd. - a new iPad was found hidden behind the rear seat so a car thief couldn't spot it.
This reporter contacted the OOPS organization in Portland - known as the Oregon Ocean Pooping Society - as the victim had OOPS tattooed on his buttocks - for their analysis of the incident. Their spokesman was at a loss for words as this type of occurrence was unheard of in the club's fifty year history. He did speculate that the kayaker may have been practicing his eskimo rolls and perhaps the heron thought he was injured and would be easy prey.
When the victim's wife was contacted by authorities (she had left him a voicemail that morning asking if he'd finished the laundry and when dinner would be ready that evening) - her reaction was heartfelt: What the hell? Kayaking? That bastard told me he was going to the casino with his good-for-nothing friend, Dick. Serves the sonofabitch right - he hadn't worked for 5 years, his unemployment had run out and he lost all his 401K in the stock market - dumbass. I'm going for a younger man this time.
Services are being planned at a neighborhood country club and the relatives are pouring out of the woodwork hoping to cash in.
In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to your local Great Blue Heron Preservation Fund.
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